And out came that last, long repository of air from…the body. What was my Dad 20 minutes ago, watching a golf tournament together and talking about the two-gloved player, with me silently imagining breathing for him, was now a shell under a blanket with a blank stare…staring at me.

I hate you cancer. You stole my Dad.

You don’t sleep after. You churn through explosions of millisecond memories. A rainbow of everything high and low is a cry through the smile. The world rushes by in a blur you don’t feel. Your gut simply….hurts.

If you’re lucky, after the sun rises and falls for some time in its rhythm, clarity emerges from the jumble:

First, someone who has gone is still there, mentoring over your shoulder hoping you continue to “make your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light” (in the words of Barry Lopez). If your life moves forward diminished you are diminishing the soul that only wants you to rise in everything you do.

Second, when those you love the most leave, you will search your soul for who you yourself are and WHY you matter. Here was my refreshed clarity: Dad Dedicated His Life to Service of the Public.

Glenn Fields made the world a better place with his two decades of executive leadership at Industry Canada. Dad was what I call an entrecrat – an entrepreneur + bureaucrat. Work in the North, with First Nations, a letter of thanks from Prime Minister Mulroney, the most travelled employee at Industry Canada for years.

He left me with three things that reminded me not only why I have worked in and for government for 24 years, but why the word “mission” is such a soulful word:

1) “Acting in the service of others isn’t a job, or a matter of generosity, it’s an obligation to future generations.” Public service can make a difference in people’s lives and Dad’s words to me long ago have struck a chord with me.

2) Be an optimist. “An optimist is someone who falls from the top of the Empire State Building and after 50 floors says ‘so far so good’.” “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.” “Those few extra pounds? Worry not, they make you harder to kidnap.” The Internet is full of statements of belief that life can belong to the optimists…if you CHOOSE this most constructive prism through which you can take charge of your life.

3) Establish urgency. My Dad told me in final months that he wasn’t ready to go yet…that he had things still left to do. If we understand that we are finite, we feel the urgency to get busy making a difference in our own way, no matter how big or small. “Do not go gentle into that good night….rage rage against the dying of the light.” Dylan Thomas wrote some damn beautiful words…..

“All the years I worked with Glenn, I found that I could do more because he thought I could do it. A great man in all ways.” Christine, Industry Canada.

“Working for Glenn in Industry Canada was a highlight of my career. He set the example of what a government leader should be–one who served Canadians with dedication and excellence. So many of us remember Glenn so fondly as an admirable leader and outstanding man.“ Jessie, Industry Canada.

We’re all better for governance when those not working in it stop taking potshots at it, and those in it lead and inspire with the fist of will. If you aren’t passionate about government nor believe in its ability to deliver on our highest human aspirations, my advice is to get out of it. If your passion for governance is waning like mine did at one point in my career, seek your WHY in family, people around you, or great initiatives that inspire you to be something more than the “I” in this world: “Us.” Great government delivers on the “Us.”

I miss you so much Dad. This one was for you….

Note: Simon Sinek’s book “Start With Why” is a great book that makes you think about doing things with greater purpose.